Home at last. But still BUSY!
I’m starting to convert this site into twitter like.
A friend sent me this though e-mail.
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These letters came in response to an advert in a South African woman’s magazine called Femina. All of the letters are from people whose first (or second) language is NOT English and who live a very rural existence.
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Back in 1985, SA Femina Magazine ran an advertisement for Nelex, a medicine for the treatment of a vaginal infection known as Vaginitis. The ad prompted hundreds of letters from sufferers countrywide, most of them from women who were clearly unsure as to what exactly was wrong with them.
The letters were collected by the advertising agency that created the Femina ad who swear that every single one of them is genuine.
Here are excerpts from some of the most hilarious:
1. My interesting language is English, so you better send me an English copy of your vaginitis. (may spanish or french vaginitis ba? demanding ka ah)
2. Please send me the following symptoms: itching, discharge, unpleasant smell. (susme! eto gusto pang magpadala ng infection) I am one of those with a virginal problem. I will be very grateful if my disease were acceptable. (haha, sorry to disappoint you but it isn’t.)
3. Dear sirs, greetings as patient to you, but I have not got enough time to express my sickness over this paper. I want to come by myself to confess my sickness to you after I use this Nelex. The trouble is my vaginitis and that I’m so ugly. (anong konek? psychiatrist yata kelangan nito)
4. How can I get vaginal infection? Most chemists cannot help. (matutulungan ka ng asawa mo magkaroon ng ganyang sakit)
5. Is vaginitis normal, or does it occur by mistakes like having sex? My husband is not happy with the behaviour of my vagina at bedtime. (haha, oh girls may behaviour pala ang vagina eh)
6. Please send me more information about these vaginal erections. My symptoms are some of the ones you didn’t mention, so please send me another medicine. Every boyfriend left me and made another girl pregnant, so maybe you can help me (oh, wawa naman). With modern life of anonymous infection, I have found your vaginal infection very handy and unavoidable. I tried Dettol, Omo [a washing powder] (surf or tide?) and also pure brandy (yikes!). All in vain. My problem is itching, burning pain after intercourse when the weather is cold or foggy. (giniginaw lang ang ano mo siguro)
7. I am a young lady of 1963. Will you please send me more news about my virginia pains during intercourse (hahaha virginia daw oh), even when I’m not having intercourse at. I use to have sex eight to ten times a day. Now I am very dry. I went to the hospital and they told me I have too much sex. Maybe I should move to Durban for the humidity. (asus! ikaw ba naman makipag sex ng 8-10 times kung di ka matuyo)
8. I am a girl of 21 years of edge (haha may edge ang batang ito). Can you help me with Virginial infractions? Last night the virginial infections suddenly attacked me. What do you want me to do? (pano ka niya inatak? may kutsilyo ba or baril?)
9. Please send me Nelex. I am so sick I will even pay for it. My virginia is wide open, but I only slept with my husband alone, but he says I am a bitch (hahaha wide open? seriously?). I slept with many men. Can you close my virginia for me? (isang tahi lang yan. ano gusto mo tahing kamay o de makina?)
10. I really want a baby, but I don’t want to be pregnant (may topak to, mag adopt ka na lang). The first time noticed vaginal infection was in your advert. My vargin is beginning to irritate me. I scream at it sometimes but it doesn’t help (haha sigawan ba daw ang vagina?). Sometimes my anus produces an unpleasant smell. Please send my letter back so I can remember what I have written (hala! alzheimers yata sakit mo neng).
11. Please advertise more so that I can remember that I have an infection (haha di mo matandaan?). I stopped having sexual intercourse with my husband, but he hasn’t stopped with me (yikes! rape yan). My problem is I feel itching even when my husband romances me with his erection. I have never told anyone about my symptoms, now I see them publicly advertised.
12. I am 42 years old, but the infections started when I was much older (ha? kelan yung ‘much older? galing yata to sa future haha) and please reply as soon as it is convenient for me. I have pain during sex and also during intercourse (iba pala ang intercourse sa sex). My virgin is badly leaking. Does Nelex work like a cork? (wahahaha, grabe na to. nagle-leak na. corl? masokista yata to eh)
13. When I was 13 I spray my vagina with Airoma room freshener (wah! buti hindi baygon), now I am 18 and I need your help. Please send any good and large information to my suffering vagina (haha oist tulungan niyo nagsa-suffer na ang vagina niya).
14. According to symptoms advertised, I have discovered four of them in my promised one (hahaha komedyante to, vagina=promised one haha parang Israel=primise land lang ah). She urges me so help me to help her (wow may personality ang vagina niya). My new address is (address supplied) but please send your reply to my old address.Can I get vaginal infection without prescription? (haha, yes you can, darling)
15. Nelex the effective treatment, is it also effective in Zimbabwe. My husband does not know where I live, so we never have sex (huh? kakaiba to ah. online marriage ba yan?). I have never had sex, but I have this virginity problem. The bath water must have infected me, although I swear nobody bathed after me in the same water.
16. I have re-organised my virginia recently (hahaha how to re-organize vagina?). It is easy to know when I have vaginitis, but how do I know when I do not have vaginitis? (try re-organizing your vagina once more)
17. How are you at that side or Randburg? I hail to you with my wife’s vaginal infection from Zimbabwe (may nationality pala ang Vaginitis eh) but I know that some people order the thing without knowing them of seeing in other words they order them for nothing without using them.
18. I am 20 years old and will be 21 sooner than expected. I cannot tell my mother about it: she has no vagina (oh really? how was it possible you were born?). The last time I looked for my vaginitis I could not find it anywhere (hahaha adik to. nilayasan ka na ng vagina mo!).
19. My vagina was discharged recently (wah? ano nangyari?).
20. My vagina is deceased (nakup! ang hirap nito, patay na ang vagina).
21. I am a doll of 19 and I want to introduce my itchy vagina to you. (hi, hello itchy vagina. how are you?) I hope you are in a favourable condition for my vaginitis (i’m afraid not). I have this virginity disease. I hope my letter arrives at tea time so you can study it better. I don’t know if the smell really comes from my vagina. My nose cannot reach it properly (haha may lahi tong acrobat. wag mo ng tangkain ineng). But I promise, my body also has some healthy parts.
22. How are you sir? I am very well, but I am also a very sick girl (ang gulo mo ah!). Thank you for telling us how to avoid burning and itching virgins. (baka natusta na yan.)
23. I live very far away, and therefore wander if my letter will reach you. I am not an ignorant girl, but how can I be sure? Please rescue my vaginal cavity from attack, sir, and send me this infection quickly (rescue you pero gusto mo ng infection? haha). This Nelex it can help me. I will call my first son Nelex (wow, touching.). Also my eyes and kids are itchy. I better stop looking at them (haha sinisi ang mga anak, kala ko wala ka pang first child?). I air my vagina three times a day, much to my husband’s regret (WAHAHA, pahanginan ba daw?). At today’s price of water, I’d rather use Nelex. I have five of the four symptoms you mentioned (wow, nasobrahan to sa symptoms).
I was having a big trouble in my domain server for the past few days. I also got involved in a big discussion with some big people. Oh how I love it putting airy bastards to their knees. Our house renovation was halted for some reason. To add more to my suffering, my desktop computer just died. It’s a bit old but I love using it since almost all of my files are in it. So I still brought it to a repairman. Fortunately they were able to have it working again - less my precious files. The other computer was in my sister’s house in Manila. Ohh, that sister of mine is giving me headaches… crap, that’s another story and I don’t feel like sharing it.
But still I decided to get a newer Pavilion this week. The credit card company already gave a go and there’s no turning back. Anyway, I was able to get through the whole week having a DVD marathon. And one of the best I had so far is a stand-up puppet comedy, Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity. I found the best part of it in YouTube and was surprised that the clip already gained more than 61 million views! It’s really great so you have to watch it. You can kill me if this video doesn’t make you laugh.
Silence! I kill you!
J: Good evening, Achmed.
A: Good evening, infidel.
J: So, you’re a terrorist.
A: Yes, I am a terrorist.
J: What kind of terrorist?
A: A terrifying… terrorist… Are you scared?
J: Not really, no.
A: Arghhh, and now?
J: Not really, no.
A: Hoor arrr. Aaaargh, how about now?
J: No.
A: God damn it… Oh.. oh.. I mean ahh.. Allah damn it. … Silence, I kill you!
J: So, Akhmed.
A: No no, it’s Achmed.
J: That’s what I said.
A: No, you said Akhmed, it’s Achmed, chchchchch. Silence, I kill you!
J: How do you spell it?
A: What!?
J: How do you spell your name?
A: Oh, let’s see, A-C-FLEMCHRGH… Silence, I kill you!
J: So, Achmed if you’re a terrorist I would supposed you have some sorts of specialty.
A: Yes, I am a suicide bomber.
J: Ah. So you finished…
A: What?
J: You’ve done your job.
A: No, I haven’t.
J: But you’re dead.
A: No, I’m not. I feel fine.
J: But.. You’re All Bone.
A: It’s a flesh wound. Silence!!! I kill you! … What the hell happened to my feet? … Son of the bitch… what the hell… wait a minute… what re you doing……. Stop touching meeeee! I killll youuuu!
J: All right just hold on, we’ll fix this.
A: Okay, wait, what are you doing? Holy crap I’m in the air …wait wait.. wait something is tack wards holy crap. I don’t wannaa.. I need some ligaments.
J: Just sit still.
A: Okay, I will not move my ass.
W: You idiot, you don’t have an ass.
A: Is that Walter?
J: Yes.
A: He scares the crap out of me. Please do not put me back in the same suitcase!
J: Why?
A: He has gas… Saddam’s mustard gas is nothing compared to a Walter fart.
W: Hahahahaha.
A: It’s not funny… he will kill us.
J: All right, listen Achmed, I have something to tell you.
A: What?
J: You really are dead.
A: Are you sure?
J: Yes.
A: But, I just got my flu shot!
J: You really are dead.
A: Wait, if I’m dead, that means I get my 72 virgins! Are you my virgins? I hope not!
J: Why?
A: There’s a bunch of ugly ass guys out here. If this is paradise I’ve been screwed!
J: Did they say it would be only female virgins?
A: Holy crap! … Wait, I could have Clay Aiken. Hahahaha. I told a joke.
J: So, listen Achmed, where did you come from?
A: Your freaking suitcase? Hahahahaha. I told another one!
J: Look, if you’ve been in my suitcase all this time, how have you been getting through security at the airports?
A: Oh that’s easy! They open the suitcase and I go: Helloooo, I am Lindsay Lohan! Hahaha, I told another joke. I can do this crap too. Okay, here’s another one: Two Jews walk in a bar…
J: No, no, no.
A: What? What you don’t let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard!
J: No, what I mean is I don’t want racist jokes in my act.
A: Oh, okay how about if I kill the Jews? No, I’m kidding I wouldn’t kill the Jews … No … I would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death! Hahahahaha. Yes yes, I did the same thing with two catholic priests, but I tossed in a small boy! Yes yes, and the winner had to fight Michael Jackson.
J: Achmed.
A: What?
J: Stop doing this. You can’t tell jokes like that.
A: Why not, I’m killing… so to speak.
J: You can’t tell jokes like that, it offenses people.
A: Oh… I’m dead, what do I care? What do you want me to do? Knock-knock jokes?
J: It would probably better.
A: Okay. Knock knock.
J: Who’s there?
A: Me, I kill you.
J: So look, as a suicide bomber, have you had a training?
A: Of course we had the suicide bomber training camp.
J: Is that a nice facility?
A: It used to be.
J: What happened?
A: New guy.. the idiot tried to practice.
J: What did you guys learn from that?
A: Location, location, location.
J: Do you guys have any kind of model?
A: Like what?
J: You know, like looking for a few good men.
A: We’re looking for some idiots with no future.
J: So, where do you get your recruits?
A: The suicide hotline. Hahahaha. That was dark, was it not?
J: So, what exactly happened to you?
A: Eh?
J: What happened?
A: Oh, if you must know, I am a horrible suicide bomber.
J: What happened?
A: I had a premature detonation. I set the timer for 30 minutes, but it went off in 4 seconds. You know what that’s like, right? Mister Hurricane?
W: Hahahaha.
J: So, Achmed, What exactly happen to you?
A: Well, I was getting gasoline and I answered my cell phone. Can you hear me now? Ghhh! At first I thought it was because I went over my minutes.
J: That’s too bad.
A: It’s okay. I took that Verizon bastard with me.
J: So… what it’s like to die, do you see white light?
A: If you’re dumb enough to watch the explosion, yes!
J: No, I mean some people say, when they die they see a white light. What did you see?
A: I saw flying car parts.
J: What was the last thing that went through your mind?
A: My ass. Hahahaha. Walter told me to tell that joke.
J: So you never saw a white light?
A: No, but I saw a blue Prius. Do you really have one of those vehicles? Hahaha… That is not a car, that’s a lunchbox. Did you know when you’re going down the highway in the Prius and you put hand out the window, the vehicle will tuuurn?
J: You did all this for a bunch of virgins?
A: Are you kidding me? I’d kill you for a Klondike bar!
J: So I guess you are Muslim?
A: I don’t think so.
J: You are not Muslim?
A: No.
J: Why?
A: Look at my ass. It says: Made in China“. Walter says I’m just a strinking Halloween decoration.
W: Hahaha…
J: So you like being in D.C.
A: I think some idiots must live here.
J: Why?
A: For example, the Washington Monument.
J: Yes?
A: It looks nothing like the guy… It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton. Hahaha…
J: What do you think of Bush.
A: Oh, I love bush… Oh, you mean the president? I’m sorry.
J: And that’s Achmed the Dead Terrorist……